Death Counter
by George luver
Summary: Harry only has a few hours left to live, and he wants to enjoy them. What will he do? Rated for sexual moments, nudity, and one swear word.
1. death counter

Only 6 hours 7 minutes and 33 seconds before Harry dies.  
  
He's been staring at the little death counter he downloaded onto his brand- new Dell PC (he saw Steve's commercials on the Dursley's TV). It was amazing. The little 2 inch long box in the middle of his screen tells him exactly hour many days, hours, minutes and seconds he has left to live.  
  
Only 6 hours 6 minutes and 2 seconds left to live.  
  
'Im hungry,' he thinks. He figures he may as well enjoy his last hours. He goes down the main hall and stuffs his face, easily gaining about 10 pounds.  
  
5 hours 47 minutes 57 seconds.  
  
He goes back to his dorm and shaves of all his hair and his eyebrows and his legs and his armpits. He is no longer Harry. He is now Hairless.  
  
5 hours 32 minutes 9 seconds.  
  
He goes down to the dungeons and knocks on Snape's door. The door opens and Snape's eyes widen in surprise at Hairless's appearance. Hairless winds up and lands a punch right in Snape's nose.  
  
5 hours 16 minutes 12 seconds.  
  
Hairless finds Draco and does the same.  
  
5 hours 3 minutes 59 seconds.  
  
Hairless finds Cho and gives her a big kiss on the lips, tongue and all, and proceeds to feel her up. She slaps him.  
  
4 hours 44 minutes 34 seconds.  
  
Hairless does the same to every girl he sees for the next hour.  
  
3 hours 45 minutes 1 second.  
  
Hairless takes off his clothes and streaks around the school, singing 'The Animal Song' by Savage Gardena at the top of his lungs.  
  
3 hours 1 minute 23 seconds.  
  
Hairless confesses his undying love to Hermione.  
  
2 hours 43 minutes 9 seconds.  
  
Hairless gets on his Firebolt and performs 100 loops in a row, then throws up, then watches the world spin around him.  
  
2 hours 9 minutes 13 seconds.  
  
Hairless eats one of every single Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans and invents a few of his own, including spider, Cho, and pickled eggs.  
  
1 hour 19 minutes 35 seconds.  
  
Hairless runs around the Owlery and scares all of the sleeping owls out the window by yelling and waving his arms and running in circles.  
  
1 hour 2 minutes 11 seconds.  
  
Hairless writes his will, leaving everything to Hegwig.  
  
43 minutes 56 seconds.  
  
Hairless challenges Ron to seven consecutive games of wizard's chess, losing all of them.  
  
3 minutes 21 seconds.  
  
Hairless goes back down the Great Hall and begins countdown to his death, standing on a table.  
  
19, 18, 17, 16.  
  
Students and teachers gather round and gape at him.  
  
12, 11, 10, 9, 8.  
  
Hairless begins shooting off colored sparks from his wand.  
  
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.  
  
Everyone stares. Nothing happens.  
  
Hairless blinks.  
  
"Oh shit." 


	2. compatibility quiz

You would think that after the Death Counter incident Harry would have learned his lesson, but no. Of course not. If he did, then there wouldn't be another wonderful chapter to this equally wonderful fic.  
  
About a month after 'the incident', Harry sat at his Dell computer once again. All his hair had grown back the day after 'the incident', but that was to be expected.  
  
Harry stared at the flat-screen computer, his nose only inches from the screen. 'What's this?' he thinks.  
  
"Compatibility Quiz," the screen read. "Type in your name and another person's name and click 'OK' to find out your compatibility!"  
  
Harry typed in 'Harry Potter' in one of the spaces, and 'Cho Chang' in the other.  
  
"34% compatible. Dating probability 14%"  
  
"Dammit." Harry pouts.  
  
'Harry Potter' and 'Hermione Granger', Harry types, chuckling to himself.  
  
To his shock the results were "98% compatibility, Dating probability 92%".  
  
Just then Ron burst into the dorm room, takes one look at the screen, and bursts into hysterics. He grabs the keyboard from Harry and types in 'Harry Potter' and 'Draco Malfoy'.  
  
"87% compatible. 77% dating probability."  
  
Ron bursts into hysterics again.  
  
Harry grabs the keyboard back and types in 'Harry Potter' and 'Ron Weasley', just for haha's.  
  
"100% compatible. Dating Probability 100%."  
  
Harry blinks.  
  
Ron blinks.  
  
"Huh."  
  
"Huh."  
  
They look at each other, shrug, and walk down to the common room hand in hand. 


End file.
